Pieces of Me

So, I have diabetes.  There, I said it, well - actually written it, so same difference.  Now that it's out there, in written form, you'd think that it would be easier for me to accept - it's not.  All I can see is a future wrought with constant decisions on what I can and cannot eat, portion control, label reading, etc., etc.  On the surface, that's not a bad thing...I may just end up losing weight (well, actually I will end up losing weight - I have no choice.  Either that or death, so which one do you think I'm choosing?)  But all I keep seeing is WORK...LOTS of it.  And, it's not that I'm scared of work, my biggest fear is - failing.

And that brings me to what has evidently been the story of my life...that fear of failing.  That fear has kept me from trying/doing so many things.  In the corners of mind I've chalked it up to not doing = not failing = not having to hear the mouths of folks telling me that I'm not good enough.  Sad isn't it?

But, back to this whole diabetes thing...I'm scared...scared of failing...scared of not following the 'rules' that have been thrown at me, because they certainly haven't been given to me.  I'm out here winging it, and it's scary because this is my LIFE that I'm dealing with.  If I don't get this right, I could LITERALLY die....and I'm out here, doing this alone...no guidance, no direction...I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean, with only a life preserver to help keep me afloat.  True, it can get the job done, but would be so much better if I had a boat - right?

I'm blessed that I have friends who are willing to offer their support, but I'm always hesitant to lean on folks, because I worry that I'll inadvertently take advantage of that help, (i.e., become a burden), or they'll feel as if I'm taking them for granted, (i.e., become a burden).  I have all this information that's been given to me that I must read, but folks don't know that that's not how I learn.  So, I've read ALL this stuff and have retained about 5% of it, and have no idea what I'm really doing.  I'm at the store, looking for food that I can eat, and I'm ensuring that the Carbs are no more than 15g, but I also have to ensure that the Sodium, (because I'm also Hypertensive!), is no more than 15%.  Are those the right numbers for me?  I have no earthly idea.  I just know that those are numbers I read once before, and so that's what I'm going with.

I know it would be easier if I just checked in with a doctor, but sadly, I don't have one and as an up-and-coming solo entrepreneur, I don't have the funds necessary to afford health insurance.  So, I attempt to self-educate, which in turn leads to my having to self-medicate, which in turn lead me to having to check myself into the ER - for the 4th time since I was diagnosed with HBP back in 2010 and another (costly) stay in the hospital.  But that will be another discussion for another time.

Let me say this...I am HUNGRY!  I mean literally...stomach growling/talking to me hungry.  Why?  Because I have no idea what to eat, I just know what I cannot eat - which seems like everything I usually eat and/or want to eat.  I want to go out in the kitchen and grab me a chicken sandwich, but I can't.  The bread that I would eat, has too many carbs, which will turn into sugar, which is now the bain of my very existence.  I can't eat fruit, (not that I have any hear anyway), because once again...the sugar in fruit is the bain of my existence.  Remember that reference I made earlier about dieting/losing weight.  Well, if this keeps up, that won't be an issue.  The blubber will disappear because my body will be consuming it to stay alive.

Anyway, it's time to close this chapter.  I've got a headache and I'm not sure if it's because my blood pressure is elevated - again (although I took the meds that I HAVE to take.  BTW, did you know that HBP and/or Diabetes are diseases that once you get them, you cannot get rid of them?  There is no cure, there is only maintenance....the thought of that makes me want to cry - seriously.), or I've been stressing too much about being hungry.  Either way, I'm about to pop an Advil (then again, I need to check to ensure that I can, as all I was getting in the hospital were Tylenol)...and definitely go to sleep.

Good Night!