I
was born in Brooklyn, NY in 1970, to a West Indian (Jamaica) Mother and
American Father, but was raised by my mother and West Indian (Jamaica) Stepfather
(who I refer to as my “Daddy”). I shared
my heritage as it is important to me – gives me a connection to who I am, that
quite a few of my contemporaries do not have – as well as my ‘story’. You see, as a 1st Generation American, I had
to deal with my parents preconceived notions about America and what it meant to
be “Black” in America. Those ideals
shaped not only how they chose to raise my siblings and me, but how they
(mainly my mother) chose to interact with me.
Suffice
it to say that my upbringing was hard.
It wasn't a horror story by any means, but there were so many things
that I missed out on. Things that I
learned once I had left home, (at the age of fifteen), that quite a few of my friends/associates
took for granted. My home life consisted
of school, church and home. It wasn’t
until I hit puberty that I realized that there was more to my life than I
knew. That sheltered upbringing did
little to prepare or protect me for all that was awaiting me, and
unfortunately, that naivety led me to experience harsh realities that have
shaped who/what I am today. I was raped
repeatedly as a child, (my memory is foggy, but I believe that it started when
I was 7), by my older (he was in his early teens), half-brother, and when it
was discovered, the blame was placed squarely on my shoulders. That is something that my family, (i.e., my
Mother), has only recently acknowledged/spoken about, and even then, I was
questioned as to why I didn't "DO" something.
When
I was 12-years-old, I was molested by an “Uncle”. Although I was threatened with harm, I
immediately told my “Aunt” (his biological sister), and when she informed my
mother, once again, the blame was placed on my shoulders. I was accused of enticing him, (because I had
the audacity to wear a cute green and black striped mini-skirt outfit - the
ones that were quite popular in the 80s).
Evidently a 12-year-old, acting like a child, presenting herself as a
child, (I was still wearing pigtails!), was being 'fast', by wearing such
attire.
At
the age of fifteen, I was raped by my then boyfriends brother, who caught us
making out, and threatened to tell our respective families. As we were both of West Indian heritage, we
knew what was ahead of us, and so, he (my boyfriend) pressured me to ‘just do
it’, so that we both wouldn’t get in trouble.
I never saw or spoke to him or his family again. At the age of 30, I was raped by half-brother
by my biological father, who had seemed to have a 'fascination' with me and
refused to accept the fact that we were in fact blood, since we met back at the
age of sixteen, (when he tried to push up on me then). I never reported that rape, but subsequently
became pregnant. Wracked with guilt and
shame, I hid what happened and the pregnancy from everyone, (until years
later), and had an abortion. The
disrespectful way in which I was treated when I went for the procedure, led me
to change my stance on abortion, as it’s hard for me to believe that anyone
would subject themselves to the condescension and judgment, just for the hell
of it.
Years
later, I was to discover that my eldest daughter was being molested by my then
husband, and I blamed myself for many years, for not seeing all the signs. The guilt got to be so much for me, that
there came a time that I came (too) close to taking my own life. I believe – until this day – that it was only
the Grace of YAHWEH that my biological father called (we’ve had an up-and-down
relationships since I found out about him when I was a teen), with three simple
words, “I LOVE YOU!” It was that day
that I decided that I no longer was going to allow my past to rule my present
or my future, and I’ve been fighting ever since to get myself and my life
together. Although I wouldn’t wish my
life experience on anyone, I embrace it ALL, as I know that (1) it has made me
who I am today and (2) those experiences were to prepare me to help those who
come behind me.
I
am not 100% healed yet and I am finally ok with that. I realize that my healing process is a
second-by-second process and that although MY wish is that I was 100%, when
it’s all said and done, my complete and total healing is all in His hands.
I
want to encourage anyone reading this, who has suffered any form of abuse, but
especially Sexual Abuse, to help break the stigma associated with your
violation...in essence - STOP THE SILENCE!
These predators - and that is what they are - only continue because they
bank on our silence. They count on our
guilt and shame over what they did to us, to keep of from talking about it,
thereby inadvertently giving them the ability and the power to victimize
someone else.
I
also want to encourage you to shed the label of "Victim" and count
yourself as a "Survivor". I
know it makes no sense to you as to why YAH/God allowed this to happen to you,
but rest assured that in the end, it was for a greater purpose. There WILL come a time that you will
encounter someone who has been traumatized and will need your experience, your
candor, your resiliency to help them see through their pain. You will be "The One" who will be
the difference between someone giving up and letting it all go.
For
more information on Child Sexual Abuse and how YOU can help - STOP THE SILENCE,
I encourage you to visit STOP THE SILENCE, INC., (see below).
If you are a "SURVIVOR", who still needs support, again, reach
out to STOP THE SILENCE, who can in turn, put you in touch with resources in
your area that can help you come to terms with what has taken place.
If
you're so lead to, feel free to contact me.
I'm NOT a therapist, but I AM a Survivor and I am willing/able to listen
- if nothing else. (Please Note: any and all communication between you and I will remain confidential, unless a. you are a minor and are in immediate danger and/or b. you are considering hurting yourself.)
The Mission of Stop the Silence:Stop Child SexualAbuse, Inc., (a non-profit, charitable 501(c)3 organization), is to expose and
stop Child Sexual Abuse (CSA) and help survivors heal worldwide. We work with
individuals, community- and faith-based organizations, companies and
governmental groups in various communities — locally, regionally, nationally,
and internationally — to provide programming that supports Awareness,
Prevention, and Healing.
