Pieces of Me

Showing posts with label Abuse. Show all posts

On this the eve of my 45^th year of life, I have been lead to share this…

For all those Girls – Black, Brown, White, Red, Yellow, etc. – (and that includes those who are “trapped” inside the body of a Grown Woman), who has suffered the indignity of sexual molestation in any form, and then had to deal with the humility of having those who were charged to protect and care for you either blame you for the choices and actions of others, or even look down on you because you had the audacity to stand up for yourself….this is for you.

No longer should any of us wear the mantle of shame that has been placed on us by the refusal and/or inability of others, to face what you’ve had no choice but to deal with.

No longer should any of us feel obligated to give reasons why we choose to no longer accept the abuse of our very spirits by those who profess to love us.

No longer should any of us hold ourselves to blame for the choices that those who have violated us – mentally, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually – have attempted to force us to accept.

No longer should we blame ourselves because those who claimed to love us were unable, unwilling, or even incapable of protecting us…standing up for us…standing by us.

No longer should any of us question what it is that we did wrong, as there is nothing that we did/did not do for the violation(s) to happen/take place.

No longer should any of us wonder what it will take for those who were charged to love and guide us, to finally admit that they were wrong, because it may never come.

As I prepare to enter this, my New Year, I release and let go all of the bitterness, anger, frustration, pain, and most importantly – hurt, that I’ve held on to, unbeknownst to me, for far too long.

Although I know that in this world, I don’t have to, I truly do forgive those, who claimed to love me – namely both my Mother and Father – for NOT protecting me and NOT standing by me, in what has come to be one of the darkest times – all of them, (because I suffered these indignities more than once), in my life. I recognize that due to their own shortcomings, history, life experiences, etc., that they were not equipped to handle the heaviness of all that I have dealt with. So, for them, it was far easier, (and are I say better for them), to either ignore it, (thereby ignoring me), and/or blame me, (because I just *HAD* to have done something – right?)

Even though I would not wish these experiences on anyone, I am thankful for having gone through and survived them. Those experiences have shaped and molded the woman that I have become, the woman that presents this missive to you today. I realize now, what I could not then - that I am much stronger for having gone through.

These experiences, as horrific as they have been, have birthed in me, the ability to empathize with those who have experienced pain beyond their wildest dreams and/or imaginations. These experiences have helped me direct my own daughter who had to – unfortunately – experience the same violation. These experiences enabled me to provide her with the assurances that she needed. Because of these experiences, I was able to help her understand that she was – and is - not at fault, (although there were and still are folks who would want her to believe otherwise and to point the finger at her.)

I decree and declare, that this, my 45^th year, will be the start of a NEW LIFE and a new OUTLOOK on life for me. No longer will I carry the hurt, shame, guilt, and pain that comes along with being violated by those who were supposed to care about and/or even love me. I cling to the fact that I know that YAH is there for me…guiding…protecting…loving me….He has set me free…

“For who the Son has set free, is free indeed…” ~ John 8:36

I was born in Brooklyn, NY in 1970, to a West Indian (Jamaica) Mother and American Father, but was raised by my mother and West Indian (Jamaica) Stepfather (who I refer to as my “Daddy”). I shared my heritage as it is important to me – gives me a connection to who I am, that quite a few of my contemporaries do not have – as well as my ‘story’. You see, as a 1st Generation American, I had to deal with my parents preconceived notions about America and what it meant to be “Black” in America. Those ideals shaped not only how they chose to raise my siblings and me, but how they (mainly my mother) chose to interact with me.

Suffice it to say that my upbringing was hard. It wasn't a horror story by any means, but there were so many things that I missed out on. Things that I learned once I had left home, (at the age of fifteen), that quite a few of my friends/associates took for granted. My home life consisted of school, church and home. It wasn’t until I hit puberty that I realized that there was more to my life than I knew. That sheltered upbringing did little to prepare or protect me for all that was awaiting me, and unfortunately, that naivety led me to experience harsh realities that have shaped who/what I am today. I was raped repeatedly as a child, (my memory is foggy, but I believe that it started when I was 7), by my older (he was in his early teens), half-brother, and when it was discovered, the blame was placed squarely on my shoulders. That is something that my family, (i.e., my Mother), has only recently acknowledged/spoken about, and even then, I was questioned as to why I didn't "DO" something.

When I was 12-years-old, I was molested by an “Uncle”. Although I was threatened with harm, I immediately told my “Aunt” (his biological sister), and when she informed my mother, once again, the blame was placed on my shoulders. I was accused of enticing him, (because I had the audacity to wear a cute green and black striped mini-skirt outfit - the ones that were quite popular in the 80s). Evidently a 12-year-old, acting like a child, presenting herself as a child, (I was still wearing pigtails!), was being 'fast', by wearing such attire.

At the age of fifteen, I was raped by my then boyfriends brother, who caught us making out, and threatened to tell our respective families. As we were both of West Indian heritage, we knew what was ahead of us, and so, he (my boyfriend) pressured me to ‘just do it’, so that we both wouldn’t get in trouble. I never saw or spoke to him or his family again. At the age of 30, I was raped by half-brother by my biological father, who had seemed to have a 'fascination' with me and refused to accept the fact that we were in fact blood, since we met back at the age of sixteen, (when he tried to push up on me then). I never reported that rape, but subsequently became pregnant. Wracked with guilt and shame, I hid what happened and the pregnancy from everyone, (until years later), and had an abortion. The disrespectful way in which I was treated when I went for the procedure, led me to change my stance on abortion, as it’s hard for me to believe that anyone would subject themselves to the condescension and judgment, just for the hell of it.

Years later, I was to discover that my eldest daughter was being molested by my then husband, and I blamed myself for many years, for not seeing all the signs. The guilt got to be so much for me, that there came a time that I came (too) close to taking my own life. I believe – until this day – that it was only the Grace of YAHWEH that my biological father called (we’ve had an up-and-down relationships since I found out about him when I was a teen), with three simple words, “I LOVE YOU!” It was that day that I decided that I no longer was going to allow my past to rule my present or my future, and I’ve been fighting ever since to get myself and my life together. Although I wouldn’t wish my life experience on anyone, I embrace it ALL, as I know that (1) it has made me who I am today and (2) those experiences were to prepare me to help those who come behind me.

I am not 100% healed yet and I am finally ok with that. I realize that my healing process is a second-by-second process and that although MY wish is that I was 100%, when it’s all said and done, my complete and total healing is all in His hands.

I want to encourage anyone reading this, who has suffered any form of abuse, but especially Sexual Abuse, to help break the stigma associated with your violation...in essence - STOP THE SILENCE! These predators - and that is what they are - only continue because they bank on our silence. They count on our guilt and shame over what they did to us, to keep of from talking about it, thereby inadvertently giving them the ability and the power to victimize someone else.

I also want to encourage you to shed the label of "Victim" and count yourself as a "Survivor". I know it makes no sense to you as to why YAH/God allowed this to happen to you, but rest assured that in the end, it was for a greater purpose. There WILL come a time that you will encounter someone who has been traumatized and will need your experience, your candor, your resiliency to help them see through their pain. You will be "The One" who will be the difference between someone giving up and letting it all go.

For more information on Child Sexual Abuse and how YOU can help - STOP THE SILENCE, I encourage you to visit STOP THE SILENCE, INC., (see below). If you are a "SURVIVOR", who still needs support, again, reach out to STOP THE SILENCE, who can in turn, put you in touch with resources in your area that can help you come to terms with what has taken place.

If you're so lead to, feel free to contact me. I'm NOT a therapist, but I AM a Survivor and I am willing/able to listen - if nothing else. (Please Note: any and all communication between you and I will remain confidential, unless a. you are a minor and are in immediate danger and/or b. you are considering hurting yourself.)

The Mission of Stop the Silence:Stop Child SexualAbuse, Inc., (a non-profit, charitable 501(c)3 organization), is to expose and stop Child Sexual Abuse (CSA) and help survivors heal worldwide. We work with individuals, community- and faith-based organizations, companies and governmental groups in various communities — locally, regionally, nationally, and internationally — to provide programming that supports Awareness, Prevention, and Healing.

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